Saturday, June 30, 2012


I don't know what to say here.  My mind is going from place to place ~ up, down, sideways, back and forth.  No place I go seems to satisfy.

In the last few months, I have been going to different doctors to find out what's going on with me medically.  Last Wednesday I received a Bi-Pap machine in addition to the oxygen I've been using for 3 years or so.  Same day in the early evening I saw the gastroenterologist and was scheduled for two procedures on the same day.  Not going to mention them, but either my bottom or my belly will be complaining.  

I've had blood work twice in one week and my primary care doctor says I have a blood disorder and need to see an oncologist this coming week if possible.  I am overwhelmed.  I never drive but maybe once a week.

Also I am borderline diabetic.  When I was told about that in January I cried, then changed how I ate.  I lost 40 lbs and have cut 90% of the sugar out of my diet.  This week the number is higher.

I'm also in constant pain and have injections into my spine on a regular basis.


So what's next?  I'm kind of scared.  I'm tired of being disabled and sick.  I need you all to pray for me.  I need a super attitude adjustment.  I'm not dealing with all of this well.  I don't like taking or writing about my illnesses.  I don't want sympathy from anyone, although a little empathy and good advice might work to help me climb out of my pity pot.
I think about you all often ~ even lurk around some of your journals.  I miss you and pray for you daily.



Rachel said...

I can identify with the "I don't want your pity, but I really kind of want the empathy" thing. I switch from wanting folks to act like nothing is wrong with me, to wondering why everyone expects me to act like my old self.

One thing about journals and journal followers, we can pray for and lean on each other. Hang in there.

reginag said...

It is part of life that we all need to accept.

cremation az

mastab said...


I do not blog. I found my way here by googling the author of a book I read in high school (The Android's Dream) on a whim, saw that he had an active blog to my surprise and when I saw a reply from 'mom' on it my curiosity was truly piqued. I've read some of your posts here, and I figured that since I had gone this far I might as well share my thoughts. I don't know you and we will never meet, but I want you to know that I care about you very much. You appear to be a fantastic, selfless person. You speak about your illness with a clear-headedness and rationality that I know I could not maintain in the same situation. Your interests and activities, knowing the specific birds and plants around your house, inspire me - I have no disabilities, yet I feel like you are able to enjoy the world and find meaning in your surroundings more than I do. I can only hope that things like gardening, blogging, and other simple hobbies will one day give me as much of a reason to get out of bed in the morning as they do for you. Most of all, you seem like a fantastic mother - I had tears in my eyes while reading your post to your daughter; the way you remember the little details shows so much about you and your relationship with her. I can't explain it - I guess it reminded me of my own mother and the strength of motherly love.

You are a great person and I wish the best for you. You motivate me to search for meaning in the little things, every day. Maybe that would help you feel better as well - finding new passions, new values. Now, excuse me while I give my mom a call.