Sunday, March 29, 2009

I figured it out . . .

I've been a little melancholy the last day or two. I figured it might be the stress of knowing that Rob can drive, needs surgery, is in pain etc.

I was chatting with a friend when it came to me. We were talking about powers of attorney, health care decisions and the like. My mom requested a DNR in her medical record. She was dying of cancer and didn't want any drastic measures taken.

I remembered. Yesterday was Mom's birthday. She would have been 90. I know where my mom is. She loved the Lord with all her heart. I still miss her. I felt a little guilty because I had forgotten the day. So silly. I didn't get to grieve much for her when she died because my husband died the next day. It was a tough time. I've done my grieving now and I'm not depressed. I just miss her. I guess it's a human thing. I think I became more vulnerable and less invincible when she died. If she could die, then so could I.

My mom was a tremendous woman. Before she married my father, she was in pre-med. She gave that up to marry and raise a family. She never seemed to regret it. She loved us with a passion that I only understood after giving birth. I have 3 sisters and no brothers. There is a span of 8 years between me and my next sister. I happened when my parents tried to reconcile their marriage. Mom never seemed to regret me.

Since my sisters were older and all married or gone by the time I was 8 years old, I felt like an only child. My sisters spoiled me rotten until I was about 5, then tried very hard to undo the damage. Mom spoiled me too. I didn't know until I was in my teens how much she gave up to spoil me.

When I got pregnant at 15 1/2, mom cried. She didn't rant or rave or call me names. Rather she hugged me. I am sure she was disappointed, but she never let on. She supported me through the pregnancy (abortion was never an option) and let me make my own decisions regarding the baby.

Mom wasn't perfect. She was human. She loved her children and grandchildren to the point of selfishness. She had no life of her own. It was all for us. She dated some but never remarried. She worked and lived alone after I left home. She went to softball games and soccer games and plays. She would have been 90.

I honor her today. I am grateful to have been loved by her. I am thankful she taught me to love the Lord. I'm not melancholy anymore. Just grateful.


sober white women said...

Looking back I think we can all see what our parents gave up for us. Your mom sounds like an awesome women.
Hang tight.

Kathy said...

Nice entry Penny. I sometimes think about how much my mother gave up for us and I am grateful for her generosity and caring.

Carolyn said...

I;m glad you had a beautiful Mom Penny, but I'm sad you lost her, and your husband so close together! I have no words really, because I don't know what it's like. Thank you for being a blessing and inspiration to us Penny~ love